Ore no Inochi ga Kirai yo....
by Kei Masaki
Summary: In an alternate universe, an angst-ridden Nuriko curses his foolish heart


Ore no Inochi ga Kirai Yo...  
  
A Fushigi Yuugi fanfic by Kei Masaki (keiichi-dono@geocities.com)  
  
FY and its characters belong to Yu Watase, TV Tokyo, Studio Pierrot, Yomiuri   
Advertising, and some publishing company (don't remember which one). Currently, the  
Anime is being released in the West by Pioneer and the manga in Viz's Animerica Extra.  
  
Notes: this takes place in the setting of Jodi "Kourika" Scaffe's Suzaku no Saiai fanfic series, after chapter 8.  
  
  
"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  
That's a quote from Miaka's world.  
When she told it to me, she wore a wry expression, as if she had a few choice responses to it.  
Come to think of it, so do I.  
After all, every time I've loved someone--really loved someone--my heart has been broken. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not supposed to happen every time, is it?  
First was Kourin.   
I was easily closer to her than to anyone else in my family. That was the first time my heart have ever been broken, and I'm afraid I didn't handle it well. We were closer than many married couples, and when she died--oh, hell, everyone knows what my reaction was. If I'd known I would have been trapping her spirit along with me.... gods, Kourin-chan, I'm sorry...  
Still, I think my parents may have been somewhat relieved when she died. If we were so close when we were children, what about when we were old enough to marry? And, I'm sorry to say, I think they may have had some justification...   
Gomen nasai, Kourin-chan. I guess I've dragged you through hell with me, ne? At least now you're in heaven, where you can rest.  
Hotohori was next.   
By this time, I was as much a woman in mindset as I was in appearance. Yes, that can happen to a man. I was initially drawn to his beauty, but also to the person he was--is. Vain, yes, but with an overriding sense of honor and duty, and fierce loyalty to those he calls friend. A woman OR man could do far worse.   
Even though I had become a concubine of the royal court, I had gone largely unnoticed. If not for Miaka's arrival, we probably never would have crossed paths. Of course, then I would have been able to hide my "secret" indefinitely... but then, nothing would have changed, and Kourin's soul would still be chained to mine. I suppose things have turned out as well as could be expected there.  
Miaka.  
That exasperating, annoying, adorable girl. The first time I laid eyes on her, my first thought was "THIS is the Suzaku no Miko?!" She was flighty, gluttonous, nothing like a proper lady--I should know. It was beyond me what was so special about her; she was cute, but not overwhelmingly so, she wasn't that bright, and she needed to be rescued at every turn.  
Still, it wasn't long before I started seeing exactly what everyone else did. Even after I had been cruel to her, she was kind to me, even trying to bring Hotohori and I together. She treated me as her friend, even as family. Whatever she lacks, she makes up for in heart. Cliché, I know, but true. Her innocence, her belief in the innate goodness in people, her determination to win her friend back from Kutou, these are as much Miaka as is her trademark bottomless stomach. I guess I saw a little of Kourin in her. Yet, past experience taught me not to expect anything to come of it. No, she loves Tamahome, and he loves her...  
And now... Kourin. A different Kourin, but a Kourin nonetheless.  
We didn't even like each other at first. I suppose I was a little resentful at nearly dying and then having to set out on yet another quest immediately thereafter. She was nothing like Kourin, or Hotohori, or even Miaka.  
Yet... here I am again, in love with yet another person I can't reach. No, she's the destined beloved of Suzaku himself, and once again good old Ryuuen's left all alone in the cold.   
Taitsukun's voice still rings in my ears, telling me that this is my role in life. Cold comfort, that.  
This isn't over yet, though. If by some miracle I survive this, I have a couple of things I want to say to Suzaku. Surely protecting a god's beloved is worth something... like a love of my own?  
One more thing: if I ever get over to Miaka's world, I'm gonna go to town on the guy who came up with that saying.   
"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."  
What a crock...  
  
  
This is for anyone who's ever felt that the goddess of love was using them as a plaything (or some such analogy; I'm kinda off tonight ^^).  



End file.
